May the wind be always at your back

I keep on saying it over and over. The wind has to be at my back. No more upstream swimming for this salmon. 

As we get older and gravity hits us, the collagen in our skin lessens, yet our brains get so damn smart. So here is my lesson learned.

1) I don't do toxic

2) I don't do crazy

and number 3:

The wind has got to be at my back. 

My bf doesn't seem to get it. He's worried about me. He keeps showing me help wanted ads for executive chef jobs. I repeatedly say no. No means no. 

It's not just the hours, the time spent on my feet, the burns, the cuts, the pressure.  Because frankly I can handle most of that. But not if it takes more effort than is really needed to do the job. I have now been fired twice in my life, which is not bad when you think about how many jobs I have had. It's a shitty feeling though and I don't want to have it again.

Sometimes I panic inside. Money- kid in college, health insurance, rent, I can go on and on. But I do know this; that any time I have faced adversity I always come out stronger and better for it.

When I was out of work two years ago, it led me to teaching. Teaching was something I found  great satisfaction in, I met people who became real friends and I grew a lot.

When I gave notice to Ms. Crazy last week regarding the private chef job I tried to put it in the most simple terms, "square peg, round hole". Does not fit.

I felt so relieved because though I was losing a paycheck, I was leaving an uphill battle that I would face every day trying to be the right person for that job. Truth be told I have only had one personal chef job where the people were really, really nice and not crazy. It was also my best paying job. Most of them are not like that.

I once wanted desperately to have my own business, something I fought for, worked at tirelessly, but being that so much was wrong, in the end gave me heartache both professionally and personally.  It did make me stronger, but that lesson has been learned and I'm done.

I live a good life. I got rid of so much that encumbered me. I now live in a small apartment with two dogs. My wonderful kids have grown into such amazing people. Great friends, love in my life and I am still young enough to have more adventures. Why should I be desperate?

Like marriage and partnership, both at which I failed at, I really understand now just how important it is to be the right one. I'll take any job out there short term but in the long run, I want that warm sun on my face with the wind at my back gently helping me go in the right direction. Wherever that may be.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.*

*Irish proverb (and quote from Johnny Depp in the movie "Blow")