Mean Girls part I

In my last post I gave my spiel on male chefs. I stand by my opinion.

Now I need to let loose on some of my sisters. Ironically the ones I am speaking of are both pastry chefs, which reverts back to my theory (see "Chefs vs Pastry Chefs" post).

It's women like these who give us a bad name. Whether they are just being the stereotypical bitch, or just plain mean, it's totally unnecessary and unprofessional. Here lies the tale of the first one:

I hired a pastry chef for my cafe. Very attractive, smart and talented. Her work was beautiful. She was expensive but if I could get the mileage out of her in terms of production she would be worth every penny. That was my strategy, but not hers apparently.

Before we opened officially, she came in to test recipes and start building a pastry menu. Light, flaky Danish, good cookies (truthfully mine were better) and an astounding chocolate mud cake. The cake was a show stopper. Once we opened it became a number one request by customers both by the slice and to order a whole one.

Though her large ego loved the fact that her cake was very popular, her artiste mentality did not like the idea of producing more than one cake at a time. "The Princess", (which became my code name for her) preferred using the 6 qt. Kitchen Aid mixer as opposed to the 20 qt. one that I had bought specifically for making quantity. She liked to decorate the top of the cakes with the fudgey chocolate frosting and squawked when asked to write Happy Birthday on anything. One day she had an order where she had to make three of them and one would have thought that I had asked her to run barefoot over hot coals. She bitched and moaned, complained and was incensed that she had to stay two hours late to make the deadline. May I add that I had a fully loaded car outside with the rest of the order with the motor running waiting for the last masterpiece to be completed?

I was taught that a pastry chef should earn at least equivalent to what they produce daily in terms of dollars. For example, if they are being paid $100 in a day, they need to sell a minimum of $100 worth of product. This gal needed to bump up her yield to in order to earn her fat salary.

So while people were raving about the baked goods, she only made what she felt like making. When the customers would discover and fall in love with one item, she would stop making it and replace it with some esoteric experiment. I had built a kitchen that was set up for production. The cafe was where we could hook customers on our food, the kitchen was built to make enough for special orders and hopefully even, wholesale. I had restaurants and caterers starting to come see me about possibly supplying them. Instead of complying, I got whining from the Princess when I approached her on this.

I will also add that she became very unpleasant to work with in general. The other cooks avoided her like the plague. She did nothing but complain and bitch at them, accusing them of laziness constantly.  She did not like having to share an oven with them, or the fact that she had to walk around the wall to get to it. She would comment and make suggestions on how they did everything, but would screech when I did so with her. After a while even I scooted past her area as quickly as possible before I would hear my name called, upon which I would wince as if someone was pinching me.
Why didn't I just fire her, you might ask? Well, I was starting to consider replacing her with someone less expensive and lower maintenance, but something prevented me from doing so.  Her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. She cried understandably, I gave her time off whenever she needed it. One day she started making cupcakes with ugly scoops of icing on top of them. Not only was it too much icing but it looked weird and unappealing. She said they (the ball shaped scoops) were in honor of "the boys". Ew.
You can't fire someone who's got a loved one with cancer. So we all continued to tip-toe around her. I also gave her credit on everything she did out of respect for her talent. I went so far as to introduce her to the famous "Domestic Doyenne" who was her idol, and my former employer. I was making an appearance on the DD's national television show and brought the Princess to New York along with me and a tray of her goodies, including the mud cake. The DD was visibly impressed and the Princess swooned, her ego filled up like a Humvee with a full tank of gas.
Shortly after this, a producer for the DD's show called me to do a segment about me and the cafe. This was a wonderful piece of publicity for us and caused great excitement among the staff, most notably the Princess. On the day of the shoot, a whole chunk of time was devoted to showing how she made her delectable sticky buns and the no-knead bread that we featured at the cafe.
Easter came along, I had to pressure Her Majesty about creating a menu for our Easter brunch. She hemmed and hawed, bitched and stalled. Finally she came up with 3 choices for our prixe fixe that were very simple and would certainly not require her presence for service.
A few days before Easter though, a crisis occurred. While I was running around, greeting customers, jumping into the kitchen to expedite, managing the usual lunchtime rush apparently there was a cock/hen fight in the coop. My father, who was my partner spoke up to the naked empress. She was complaining about something while he had other business to attend to. She followed him up the stairs to the office,continuing with her nagging rampage when he turned to her and said something to the effect that she was a "fucking bully".
Whoa.
The Princess did not like that. Not one bit. So when I came back into the kitchen, there she was sniveling and red-eyed, packing up some of  her stuff. She would absolutely not stand for this treatment, no one had ever spoken like that to her and she walked out. Three days before a fully booked Easter brunch.
In the immortal words of Winston Churchill, "If you're going through hell, keep going", which is exactly what I did. My Pops and I decided that enough was enough and that we were done with her. She had told me she need a few days to think, well not over Easter you're not. Adios. I told her she was not welcome to come back when I spoke to her later on the phone.

Next, I jumped into gear and put on my baker's cap. I called my friend Chef Dave to come in and lend a hand. Together with the rest of the staff we started knocking out the Easter menu. While service continued in the cafe we worked  so hard until we were punchy. I just remember that by Saturday night when all prep was completed and it was only Chef Dave and myself left we were so relieved that we cracked open a couple of beers and he did his famous pole dance on the supporting beam in the kitchen. Nothing like a goofy looking 6'4" guy in baggy chef's pepper pants doing the twirl. Brunch went off beautifully, without a hitch.

The following Tuesday as I was working the pastry station, the Princess walked in all refreshed. "Well hello there, Baker!" she chirped at me. I looked up from rolling my dough and asked her what she was doing here. She was there to do her job, she said. I told her she did not have a job anymore and to finish packing her things. Goodbye and good luck.

Not long after, the segment on the cafe was to air. I contacted the producer to tell her that the Princess was no longer with us, how would that affect the piece? So much had been devoted to our baked product. The producer said it would be no problem because her part had been shot with no sound and in the edit it would work out fine.

I can  just imagine, the Princess serving pretty little pastries whilst her family (not too many friends, for I don't believe she had many) gathering around the television to watch herself on her favorite program. How I would have loved to have seen her face when the wonderful piece aired with me demonstrating a signature dish, various shots of me interacting with the customers, other staff members smiling and doing their jobs. Oh, and with a voice-over narration by the DD, a scene of a pair of women's hands making cinnamon buns and bread. No face and no voice. Especially not a high pitched screechy one!

America's Testosterone Kitchen

A very large toque is not unlike the long front of a sports car, if you catch my drift. Perhaps compensating for something lacking?

Gay, straight, fat, thin, tall, short, American, Italian, Mexican- they can't get enough of themselves.
The male chefs are big, they're loud.  When you get a bunch of them in a room together they call each other "dude" or "man" or "bro". This is usually in a conversation where they are one-upping each other. Who has worked more hours straight in a row, who gets the best weed, who has the worst burns, on and on. If a female so much as tries to open her mouth during one of these brag-fests, she will be completely talked over. There is no room for her in this jungle.
Male chefs bark orders out. They bond with other male chefs, even if they hate them. I've seen young, inexperienced and kind of dumb guys get accepted into the fold before a female would. Often by opening their mouth and bragging about something (i.e. secret bbq sauce, the most expensive wine they ever drank or how much weed they could/would/should/ smoke).
Even the nicest ones can't help themselves when it comes to being overbearing to their female counterparts. It's genetic.
I've seen women chefs who are mean, perhaps compulsive, downright nasty or crazy but it's just not the same thing. Not to say that female chefs don't have egos. Some of them have terrible ones and they get branded "bitches" of course. These gals aren't a picnic either.
Male chefs might call you "honey" or "sweetie" or "darling". Or I've gotten "Miss" from time to time.
No, that's "Chef" to you, buddy.
It's not mean spirited, it's really not. They are not being cruel. These guys are just full of themselves. The kitchen is the jungle, they are warriors who are sent to kill. They must do the tribal dance to impress one another. They must pound their chests and yell. They rattle their spears (knives) and see who has the biggest peace pipe and who has the best weed in it.
A female chef comes to the jungle in a different capacity. If she is a single mom like I was, she carries her babies on her back, quietly washes the laundry in the river, kills an animal, butchers it and cooks it. When she is done for the day, she cleans and goes to her hut. She does not have the time nor the need to show off.
The male chef must be heard. He needs underlings to be spellbound, colleagues to be impressed. The female has mouths to feed and is efficient in how she does it.
In my early days as a cook, I know that I missed out on possible promotions because I did not have time or frankly the need to hang around. In my first post-school job a way less qualified cook cut in front of me on the line. I worked pantry/salad station in the day, he did in the night. I constantly came in to find that he had used all the dressings without replenishing and left the low-boy a mess. Overall he wasn't that great but he just kissed up to the chef constantly.  If I had done the same, as a female employee it could easily have been misconstrued and would have been the cause of gossip. He was lazy and a putz but he was accepted into the tribe.
My former partner the pastry chef ( male plus artist = super ego) did not talk to me for two days when I suggested that though he was more experienced than I, since I would be putting in the same ungodly hours that maybe I should be paid the same amount of money as him.
Some of my best friends are men. I've gotten pretty tight with a number of male chefs. I have always enjoyed the camaraderie of the kitchen. Horsing around, crude jokes. I've been known to be just as bad as the guys are. It's just that like the proud peacock with his feathers fanned out, the male chef has a lot of bravado and can be very insecure down deep. He'll squawk if you threaten him. You must be careful when criticizing men. Truth is they have very delicate constitutions and can be crushed easily.
When it comes to strength, yes they can lift the 60qt stockpot or work with a bloody hand wrapped in side towels because they are too macho to go to the emergency room and later have 12 stitches and a wicked infection.
But it would be refreshing if just once in a while, during a who's got the biggest, bestest or greatest session, one of them might turn to the lady in the room and say, "What do you think?"

I don't do crazy

I think at this time of my life I can make a few proclamations.  I have earned them.
First, I don't do toxic. If it's at all possible, I don't ever want to work in a toxic environment again. And by toxic I don't mean working in a nuclear power plant where any minute we could  have a meltdown.  I mean a place where there is poor management and backstabbing, that sort of thing. Been there, done that and I really don't want to do it again.
Next on the list-
I don't do crazy.
I have been a boss and I have been a worker-bee but I have never been a crazy (at least not in my professional life).  Some crazies are very successful people. I do think that creativity does require a little bit of loco and that brilliance can be tainted by meshugenah. Just look at Vincent Van Gogh.
I'm talking out and out mean, nasty, infantile, bossy, crazy. The kind of people that the movie "Horrible Bosses" was about. Which, by the way I went to see the first night it was out. I'd had one of those kind of weeks with my own horrible boss.
In my recent travels I had left toxic and felt the weight off of my shoulders. I no longer woke up to nasty e-mails every morning telling me what I did poorly or did not do correctly the night before. I wasn't someones bitch anymore and that was fine by me.
When I was called to a job as a private chef, I could not turn it down. The money was good and beggars cannot be choosers. So I traded in the field-hand's overalls and put on my clean domestic uniform. If you'll pardon the expression I went from being a field n----- to a house one.
When you move into the "big house" they make you sign a confidentiality agreement so there will be no mention of names or specifics here. That's not important anyway.
What is important is holding on to one's soul and dignity. I'm a class act. I am polite and gracious. I work hard, I'm honest and trustworthy. I know that most of these people are very rich and very spoiled and they are used to being pampered. It's all part of the deal.
At first there was a coolness factor being an insider on the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Shopping among the surgically altered faces of the upper east side ladies at Citarella. Being loaded into the shiny black Cadillac Esplanade (this is the vehicle de rigeur of the wealthy now) with a cooler containing thousands of dollars worth of ossetra caviar that I had to hold on my lap on the way to the Hamptons. The famous names that are all part of this circle that you will be feeding and waiting on.
What was not cool though, was being told one thing, then something different, then different again.  Being treated disrespectfully one minute and then treated like a bosom buddy the next.  Too many rules and regulations about a lot of minutia. A lot of micro managing. Insults.
I guess the one that pushed me over the edge was being berated over a piece of meat that I had little to do with. This berating took place in front of a guest who was also someone who works at a famous four star restaurant in New York. That clicked a switch in me.
After that I realized I was not dealing with someone who was rational. She pulled a really rotten move on me last minute and took away time I was supposed to travel and work with them and gave it to another cook. She had been begging me to hold off on taking any other work while she made her plans. I had rearranged my whole life around that two weeks for her, counted on that income and on a whim, she changed her mind.  Then when I called her on it, she lied and said she had merely suggested that I hold off on taking any other jobs while she solidified her plans. This is also a person who when she walks in the door looks at me and says, " I CANNOT EVEN THINK ABOUT FOOD RIGHT NOW. I AM MUCH TOO BUSY!!"
Cooking has to be done with some love and creativity. Unless you are just emptying a box of something, adding water to it and setting a timer- your brain must be involved. When I got crazy flying around my head it sucks those abilities right out of me. I tried to be invisible. Like writer's block, I could not think of what to make. She had a comment for everything and you never knew when she would fly off the handle.
I worked for one of the most famous crazies for a long time, but she was truly brilliant and as painful as the process was sometimes, the outcome was always spectacular and I was proud of what I produced. In this case I was often embarrassed by what we put out thanks to her input. One minute she's screaming at me about not touching the special $100 piece of meat, the next she is putting her "special barbecue sauce" (read- ketchup and mustard) on it.
So when the misery factor was just getting too high, and she last minute changed the work schedule that I had counted on, I knew I was done. Just like the $100 steak that she had burned.
She was just another crazy-ass mofo.
Really, I would rather be baking in a basement somewhere. Crazy breeds crazy and the more you are around it, the more you pick it up. Everyone runs around in these households trying to keep the king or queen crazy from going off the deep end.
Being a hair past the half century mark I gotta have some principles and I think that I have earned them. Maybe I won't have a pot to piss in, but I ain't  crazy and I don't work for them either.