The Difference Between You and Me

Because I am a chef, people expect an awful lot of wisdom and expertise from me on just about everything related to food.They think that I know about all the good restaurants, including the latest "eatery" (my newest least-favorite word). They think that I know how to cook everything under the sun. They think that I am an endless source for information about cheese, wine, meat, organics, nutrition, on and on, ad nausea...

Now, I cannot speak on behalf of all chefs out there because we are each different, so this is about me.
I've always felt like a bit of a phony when I am faced with questions that frankly, I just do not know the answers to. Dealing with the constant expectations, I finally came up with the term that describes what it is that I do:
I am a Technician.

I do not enjoy reading about food or wine. My attention span has gotten very short. I glance. I make notes in my head. I save recipes online. Cookbooks are too expensive and I don't like a lot of clutter in my apartment.

I like to read restaurant reviews. However, I never remember the names of places and don't have a lot of coin to spend on them either. I make some mental notes on places that I would like to try. Time and time again though, when asked for a recommendation, I give the deer in the headlights look. I don't know!
I don't get to the Farmer's Market as much as I'd like to. I live alone so I really don't cook too much food on a daily basis. The stuff I do cook is very simple.
Honestly, I know about as much as the average person about organics and processed food. I've seen the same documentaries and read the same scary articles.
I would not know the first thing how to butcher a cow.
Truth be told, there is a lot of stuff I just do not know. So quit asking me!

What do I know? There are many, many great cooks out there but this is what separates the pros.

I have a good and developed palate. I can taste food and identify if a dish is correctly seasoned, what it might be missing or have too much of. I am excellent at balancing flavors.
I know when I fuck up, and can usually fix it.
I have a great eye. I am a very visual person. I make beautiful food and I enjoy doing it. I have my own style. It's clean. It's rustic. It's feminine.
I have good hands. I can tell if dough is ready to be rolled, is overworked, or if a cake is done by touching it. I handle food well and assertively.
I can plan in advance and organize properly. I know what to prep, how to prep it and hold it. I know how to work efficiently, how to set up systems.
I know how to do production. I can make 30 dozen cookies without breaking a sweat. You probably cannot.
I know how to produce a lot of food or a little bit of food, on time, that looks great, served at the appropriate temperature, hot or cold, depending on what it is.
I shop fast. Really fast.
I know how to do and keep inventory. I live to organize refrigerators and dry storage areas.
I work clean.
I know how to buy, use, store, cook and serve food using proper food safety methods.
When something screws up and I have to change ingredients suddenly, say something is ruined, dropped, burned or an ingredient is unavailable (and yes, even the pros make these mistakes too upon occasion)  I am excellent at coming up with a substitute. Same goes for tools. Improvisation is my middle name.
I can do all of this with my mouth shut, remaining calm and focused.

New-style Sashimi
with asparagus and
shaved cucumber salad

I will now make no more excuses. When people ask me some chef-foodie related thing that in the past I felt pressured to know the answer to, I'm not going to sweat it anymore. I know what I'm doing, but I don't know it all. Look it up on some foodie site, or call one of your foodie friends because they probably will know the answer.
If you need the job done, and done well, call the technician and I'll take good care of you.

Three words I cannot stand...

Three words I cannot stand:
"Foodie"
"De-lish"
"Yummy" (said by adults to other adults)

I understand that food has become a culture in this country and frankly that's a good thing. I'm hoping that it leads us to a more enlightened state where we care about where our food comes from and how. The choices we have in restaurants, in shopping, even in our condiments. In my house, growing up we pretty much had ketchup, mustard (we were fairly sophisticated because we also had dijon), worcestershire sauce, and horseradish. Now it is not uncommon to open a refrigerator and see various levels of soy sauce, Thai sauces, endless varieties of mustards, chutneys, miso paste, wasabi, etc.. In our cabinets, the spices go on and on, from nationality to nationality, not to mention all of the salts,vinegars and varying levels of virginity in our olive oils.

This is good. We are a melting pot of tastes now.

As a teenager in the suburbs in the 70's we had one really, really lousy Chinese restaurant. Now there are endless ones (along with nail salons) although they've become a fusion referred to as "Asian" which takes away from authenticity, I do applaud their presence. Overall if the suburbs are the barometer, global influence has snuck into what was once a whitebread culture. Again, in my opinion this is positive.
But like dogs in Halloween costumes, I don't like the inappropriate cute-ness in language about what we eat. The term "foodie" has always turned my stomach. We all eat food for sustenance, some are more fascinated by it than others. Food-oephiles may be pretentious. Food-oculturists might sound like they sacrifice a goat and eat it's head while chanting. I don't know- I'd love to get some suggestions. It's just that "foodie" is too cute and as one who attempts to make a living at cooking the stuff it I don't support it. Please readers, feel free to come up with some alternatives in the comments box. Maybe we can start a grass-roots movement to abolish foodie from the English vocabulary.
Which leaves "de-lish" and "yummy".
I don't even care about EVOO any more. For those who have lived in a cave for the past 10 years, this is Rachel Ray's abbreviation for Extra virgin olive oil. Why don't I mind it? Because she's the only one who says it. No one else does. Fair enough.
De-lish often comes out of the mouth of very affected people. Usually to their private chefs. After beating them down earlier with a case of pre-party nerves, a couple of cocktails later, the surgically enhanced, over made-up hostess who's lip liner is now bleeding through a bit and if drinking red-wine her now burgundy colored teeth will come in to her kitchen, swishing designer outfit flowing and will exclaim to aforementioned brow-beaten chef that "everything was DE-LISH!". Maybe even give her a drunken hug laced with expensive perfume and hopefully a fat tip later.
And "yummy"? Yummy should only be said by children. "My mom's arugula pesto (remember, we are a food sophisticated culture now) is YUMMY!" Or an adoring mother spooning organic mashed sweet potatoes into the mouth of her baby is permitted to say "wasn't that yummy?" Yes. This is allowed.
But not by adults. To other adults. I have witnessed chefs who use this term. And more foolishly, to other chefs. When they do, these chefs all get the same twitch in the back of their necks, that chill. Reminding them once more of summer breezes in East Hampton where while they slaved over a hot Viking range they could hear the guests in the garden talk like children, with words like yummy, de-lish and "oh have you met Simon? He's a real Foodie."

Attack of the Web " Foodies"

Here is something that really cranks my craw.
The foodie websites.
I admit, I read 'em. A lot. I'm checking out the competition. I'm seeing if anyone wrote about my place. I live in fear that one of my servers is going to do something rude or unprofessional and one of these people will write one of their little "reviews" about it. Or, one of the rare times that something comes out of the kitchen poorly done- it goes to one of them and they write it up.
Everyone is a critic now. It's bad enough that there are real critics, published with followings. One, from a major newspaper that I live in fear of is like 80-something years old and is a little cranky. She tends to review places when they have just opened and NOBODY has their act together in the first 3 months. I'm sorry. It just takes some time. I was terrified that she'd come to us when we first opened this place but she didn't. And she still has not, so now I feel like we're being snubbed. And yet, she could walk in any moment and we'll be under the microscope unbeknownst to us.
But- my pet peeve as I said before are the "foodie" bloggers and commenters on blogs.
Here is my favorite.
A new place will be opening. In one case it was a Crumbs bakery. These people have nothing better to do than to write about when are they opening, "I looked in the window the other day but nothing was going on",or, "I hope it 's better than so and so's". If I weren't going to get kicked off of the thread I'd write "why don't you people get a friggin' life? Do you not have anything better to do?" Looking in windows, for crying out loud and then reporting that nothing was going on.
Then they start the countdown. "Opening in 5 days!!". Then they start up with "Crumbs, not opening on time". Then the know-it-alls come on and tell why- because of the zoning permits or some other way to show what a big-shot they are that they know the behind the scenes story.
Then "saw a light on in Crumbs, could they be opening??". Crickey mate! Shouldn't you people be working or helping poor people? They'll open and sell their damn cupcakes one of these days.
Finally, "Crumbs, Open!!"
Then the posts about getting free samples, the lines were too long. We didn't get our free samples, the employees didn't even know we were supposed to get free samples...
And next, the dump.
"Crumbs, not so great"
" Yeah, I tried 15 different flavors and though the red velvet was pretty good they seemed pretty commercial tasting"
"The layout of the store is weird. And the help wasn't very good"
And on and on. I swear, one of these things had a thread about 27 posts long about this nonsense.
Then there's the difference in perception. Most of the bloggers seemed to think my prices are reasonable especially for the quality of the food. Then some other moron gets on and says that we're kind of pricey and the portions are skimpy (they're not).
Some people are just plain crazy, behave badly in the restaurant and unfortunately they have computers where they like to vent in a public forum. Yet I am not allowed to go on too and say "this person is mentally unstable and is unfit to be a reviewer"
There's one guy on a foodie website,(and by the way, I absolutely hate the term "foodie") who is so pompous and such a know-it-all that he thinks it is his place to welcome new posters on the website, like it's his home and he's answering the door in his smoking jacket with a pipe in his mouth, "come in", he says, "welcome". He also writes in the third person, an incredibly obnoxious writing style. His identity is that he is supposed to be his dog writing about his owner's opinions. How are we supposed to take him seriously?
But I am a slave to the public. As I walk around my dining room smiling and talking with my customers I wonder. Who are these people? Are they the same ones I read who sit up at night and critique me? Is the dog-man sitting in my place right now? Is he someone I actually know? That's why you have to suck up to everybody. Because you never know who's an amateur critic waiting to put you down.